They are rescued by elves and transported to the North Pole (though I don't think it's mentioned by name, because when your movie deals totally in iconography, you'll want to be vague about some of the most famous aspects), where he meets a wise old elf (Oh - elves are called "Vendequm") and another chipper elf named Patch, played by Dudley Moore collecting a paycheck to support a drinking habit. The elves dub him "Santa Claus" and tell him that he will deliver all of the toys in the shop his response is to say "I won't live long enough to deliver all of these!" The elf corrects him and tells Claus and his wife that they will now live forever. In case you weren't sure, the camera pans back to show the nice elderly couple and the two adorable reindeer frozen to death. Their two reindeer? Also freeze to death. Then, a few minutes in, they go outside and freeze to death. It begins by showing David Huddleston (the future Big Lebowski who, to the movie's credit, does a good job looking and sounding like how I think Santa looks and sounds) as a nice, elderly woodcutter who, along with his nice, elderly wife, travels around his unnamed snowy village delivering toys and gifts to local children. Did the Salkinds think that kids wouldn't buy all that bullshit unless they were given a justification for every one of his magical powers? If kids aren't willing to accept the mythos of Santa Claus at face value, why would they go see a movie in which he is the star? Who is this movie for? How do his reindeer fly? They eat a special kind of food. This whole movie is MIDICHLORIANS. What is the goal here? Presumably, it was to get kids into the theater to watch Santa Claus do his thing for two hours. How does he deliver so many presents in a single night? Because that night lasts an eternity for Santa. The main function of Santa Claus: The Movie appears to be to deconstruct the mythos of Santa and explain away ever story and fact we were told about him as children. JB Claus covered this movie briefly in his "Shitting on the Classics" column on bad Christmas movies last year, but I have somehow managed to go nearly 30 years without seeing it. That they failed is such spectacular and fascinating fashion kind of is. In 1984, French producers Alexander and Ilya Salkind, the father-and-son team responsible for launching and then tanking the Superman franchise, tried to bring the definitive Santa epic to the screen with Santa Claus: The Movie (not to be confused with Santa Claus: The Santa). Plus, the joke works better with Tim Allen.) I'm still waiting for a legal ruling on the identity of Santa for that one. It's saying something that the most respectable Santa Claus movie finds ol' St. There's Santa Claus Conquers the Martians from 1964. Think about it: there's 1959's Mexican-produced Santa Claus, in which Santa fights the devil (and which was famously skewered on Mystery Science Theater 3000). Like Katherine Heigl and Larry the Cable Guy, Santa Claus seems incapable of starring in a good movie.